Rants about Neethaane En Ponvasantham & A letter to GVM

   

 I didn’t intend to write this, but….. as Robert Downey Jr. quotes about Hulk’s nature in The Avengers movie, I am prone to anger management issues after watching a worst movie and in this case it is Neethaane En Ponvasantham movie (I prefer the title Neethaane En Piece of shit, it justifies my feelings towards 120 for ticket and 240 for popcorn bucket)

I'd a bad gut feeling about the movie after reading its caption 'This could be your love story'. The very moment I read this, I am sure that it will definitely be sucky and holy molly, I was damn right. Movie started with usual college song intro. The plot kick started from cultural day scene where our hero Varun meets his childhood pal Nithya after a longtime, post his Gonorrhea surgery. Right from that point, the audience was force fed pesticides and rolled down into a bizarre journey, a reminiscence of their check-in /check-out love story.

As kids they play in park & streets, as teens they goof around at school & math tuitions, as adolescents they date and get laid in UG days, as young adult they struggle, worry about their future by the end of their college days and finally during their mid 25’s, they undergo quarter life crisis, entering professional work life and screwing their own personal life, future and the minds of audience. This is the plot of NEP movie. Talk to me, who else hasn’t underwent these in your life?. GVM doesn’t have a story for this one and he always does this very old 25paise ‘Paambaati Paambu varuthu’ puppet show trick where he fools us by trying to replicate and portray our own lives and moments on screen under some breezy shades of blue in a beautiful fragrance with tip of the tongue cheesy English dialogues, back patting dad, caring siblings, jovial friends etc... But genetically modified hybrid reality doesn’t make an impact yo!

Rather than titling as ‘The moments from Varun & Nithyas love story’ GVM could’ve quoted as the ‘The menstrual period from Varun & Nithyas love story’ because both of them act and behave weird, immature, senseless, tensed, tired and stressed out throughout the movie in every phases of their so called love story. If someone utters that it’s the way the script is I’ll punch on your face coz there wasn’t such thing as scripted.

Santhanam, who is being added as a crowd pleasing material in all the shitty movies post 2010s, tickles our laughter bones at times but in parts. Jiiva’s originality in acting can be seen in some shots even though he was totally controlled and played by the hands of his puppet master but Samantha, my sweetie pie why you always dance or jump around or walk back forth or overact or look out of focus or put some maargazhi kolam in air with free hands and behave unstable in all shots chellam. I love you as the Jennifer Lawrence of Kollywood but you disappointed this Justin Beaver boy. We will take up acting classes together in future at Newyork, no?  *Singing baby baby baby oh oh oh !!*

On the musical note, Ilaiyaraja’s music was a big turn off. RR and BGM were pathetic. It hurts and even pains for me to write this but truth mustve been told that amateur music composers in short films and low budget feature were scoring really good than him. Ilaiyaraja music has really turned old school. ‘The Maestro’ can reserve his voice for spectacular Thiruvasagam, rare overseas concerts and occasional Yuvan’s singles.

GVM could’ve best kept his Ilaiyaraja fan-boy feelings and obsession just in the dialogue mentions and credits as he did in Vaaranam Aayiram, where Surya always quotes about Ilaiyaraja music when he gets turned on by Sameera Reddy, resulting in a boner. So many old songs, frequently heard tunes have been mercilessly attempted and the classics have been completely raped. I couldn’t remember it right now but  in theatre I felt it so many times. To quote some..‘Thendral vandhu theendum podhu’ from Avatharam, ‘Adi yaathi indha vayasula from Paruthiveeran, ‘Ada da vaa asathalam’ from sarvam has been used as a template for 3 tracks. The BGM and music in the second part was completely horrendous.  At places I felt myself as a tragic volunteer for some Sci-fi experiment titled ‘High distortion acoustics in unparalleled audiograms at brain damaging decibels’ (Definitely does sound way better than my engineering project title so patenting it).

                    

The dialogues were completely plastic, clichéd, and emotionless. English dialogues were forcefully stuffed, to try and sound like so called high society peter families does, which were evident in all GVM movies. There isn’t a one good line or dialogue to remember or feel about. The wannabe highly emotional scenes have been shot totally in wide frames and top angle. No close up for actors, meaningless wide angle shots. Edhukku Sir. I wonder that GVM took all those wide angle shots to match up and add comfortable dialogues later during recording.

                                                       ****A Letter to GVM*****

As 'Vaaranam Aayiram' Daddy advised to keep writing letter as it will make you feel good to read, use it when you ran out of tissue papers and cherish it in future, I am writting one for Gautham Menon along with few queries.

Dear GVM sir, 

You already have a descent fan-following for your films, without knowledge. I wish to mention a quote from 'The Dark Knight', my favorite Joker's line 'You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push'. Hope that makes sense. Please don’t try to be the next big thing in film industry. Why you attempt a wannabe Maniratnam from Mounaragam and Alaipaayuthey days or trying to create a new Alaigal Ooivadhillai of 2010s i.e. Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya. Etc….Edhukku sir idhellam ?? Venam. Vitrunga. Vaarnam Aayiram paarthom. Edho rasithom. Porum. Mudiyala.

If you wish to boo your old puppy love and get her back, trying to sound like a relationship guru, playboy guitarist or a blue checked shirt specialist please try some other sources/medium/platform but not in the name of Cinema. Don’t sell this shit to audience in the form of movie. That’s bullshit. Cut this crap and go back to Minnale and Vettaiyadu Vilayaadhu days bro. Even those have been so cheesy but not like the recent ones for god sake.

P.S. I feel the urge and need to revamp myself in a GVM way. Do send me the details and specifics like name and address for the following. ‘Oppan GauthaMenon style’

1.       Apparel outlet store where I can get white Khadi shirt, plain blue shirt, Denim jeans, Slim-fit Khakis, checked shirt.
2.       Spa and salon for getting a sharp haircut, clean-shave, facial and whole body waxing for MALE.
3.       Spoken English class for enrolling myself, my mom, dad, brother, sister, close friend, GF, servant maid, homeless street kids etc.. Suggest one that gives a good deal as a package.
4.       From the crowd or a gang of girls, How to sort out and hit on arrogant chicks, self-proclaiming angel looking bitches, immature emo girls etc... Do I need to watch Twilight, Sex and the city or some Chick flicks ? DVD reccos plz.
5.       Moor market store name and titles of English novels that I should buy and stuff at my living room for the purpose of showoff in front of girls and guests at home.
6.       Music class address and Song tutor for all the on spot singing performances at school annual days & college culturals.
7.       Voice trainer to talk in fake accent for hiding my real personality. Damn! Not for the reasons Brue Wayne sounds in Batman suit but for the purpose of sounding artificially, aesthetically, abnormally, manly infront of chicks. Is Vijay TV Super singer fame Anant sir training your heroes for voice ?
8.       Personality development class conducted by bob cut Anglo Indian half sleeve Aayas and sexually starving trouser uncles. Gym instructor (the guy who trained surya 6 packs in 10 days) cell no. for fitness.
9.       Guitar vidhvaan or thambura master cell number for learning Classical Guitar from 2^nd  standard, to cuddle around guitar whenever I feel sissy.
10.   Dance school name and dance master address for performing ‘Group la Dupe’ dance in a single intro song. Note: Currently undertaking classes from Kala master.
11.   Map route for Engineering college admission office, Mechanical dept. HOD phone no., College hostel rent etc...
12.   Apartment broker website URL for booking flats and homes near ECR, Anna Nagar, Fisherman’s cove or Foreshore estate for personal reasons. *Winks*
13.   Laptop bag or Backpack brand name and rate quote.
14.   Torrent link for downloading Ilaiyaraja songs in MP3, MP4, WAV formats along with BGM, OST, RR, Single, Karaoke, Cappella versions etc..
15.   Woodland shoes model number and size.
16.    Place to shop or online purchase a Harry Potter Wand or a Neuralyzer from Men In Black to erase the memory of watching this movie.

Delay in response is ok. I can understand your busy at the success party of NEP movie. But do reply for all my queries and help a poor soul to shape up, be fit, talk english, dress blue and score completely infront of chicks.

Thanks & Regards,
Surya s/o Krishnan,
ECR Road Apartments,
Newyork, Central park, Times square, Wall street, Berkley, California, Chennai, Banglore.

                                                      *******End******

Planning to host an alternate title contest for the title ‘Nethaane En Ponvasantham’. Please fill your entries. Winners will be awarded Uncut, Unshot, Unedited, Unwritten, Undeveloped Bluray version of GVM’s yesteryear cult classic Nadunisi Naaigal. Bwaaaahhhh….

My entries goes like..

Nethaane En Pencil Dabba, Nethaane En Pantry cup, Nethaane En Piece of shit, Nethaane En Puberty, etc..

Come on. Post your entries …